They must have gotten it to go.
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me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
The human personality is made of five key elements
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.