How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it