ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Risking my life for fun.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.