I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
They must have gotten it to go.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
then why did i get this email
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true