If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
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*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
The Birdles
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.