Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended