Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*