*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
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Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.