i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
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you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.