you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
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Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Do not levitate over flowers
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.