I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Perfection.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.