My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
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I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
The news in a nutshell.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it