Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Morning my dudes.
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Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”