[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
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Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.