Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.