My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
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[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here