Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
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humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.