If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
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How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
😅🤣😂
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.