ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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parents: you are what you eat
kids:
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
cyclists
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
“We will wed,” I threatened
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.