ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on
Babies crying everywhere
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –
Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh