ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
This fish is cracking me up
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.