People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.