Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.