People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

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I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.


Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.


I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.


Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.


“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church


Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..


Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.


Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..