People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
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me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there