[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
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Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I enjoy a good short stor
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Proctology is located in A55
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?