My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
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The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Thanks to a fan for this one.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
This 4th of July, please remember…
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]