Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
You Might Also Like
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why