I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
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They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
SF is the wild wild west man
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Thursday
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom