SF is the wild wild west man
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
me and the Superbowl rn
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how