The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
⛄️
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911