me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
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When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal