If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Put a ring on it
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
They’re not wrong
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it