If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.