me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
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I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
so this horse walks into a bar
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars