i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
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I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.