i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
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As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them