When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Every. Damn. Time.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
japanese corn
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically