When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

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My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂


you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am


I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’


When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?


Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.


Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.


*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.


I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.


Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.