@MandaDeen

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

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@hmcpherson17

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

@notfunnyelle

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

@Storminika

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

@JaymayAllDay

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

@JefeJK47

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

@ThisLocalHater

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

@PinkCamoTO

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

@Social_Mime

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

@The_Mentalyst

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.