Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
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Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Rather alarming headline…
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded