Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
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In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent