Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I need this for my side hustle.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
pictures of spider-man
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
i really liked this one
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.