I need this for my side hustle.
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No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Someone just threatened to call me later
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie