My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
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What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol