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I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.