Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
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Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Everyone’s family
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
this is the best interaction on twitter
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate