I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines