I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
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(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.