Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
You Might Also Like
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.