Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
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Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart