Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
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Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.