I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
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The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.