Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
You Might Also Like
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.