Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
You Might Also Like
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
You got this…
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!