I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]