[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.